So Much

A small tragedy hit our household tonight as one of our new kittens was accidentally crushed.  We thought he would go quickly but as I checked on him several times tonight he was still fighting, still struggling to breath, to kick....to be ok.  As I caressed his body I caught myself saying....it's ok....it's ok....just relax....it's ok.
That brought back a recent and real memory of the last couple of days I spent with my Mom.  As she struggled to breath, cried out in pain, fought the fight as long as she could I caught myself  caressing her hand and saying....it's ok...it's ok...just relax....it's ok.

Since I returned from my last trip to Texas I haven't been able to write here and wasn't quite sure why.  It hit me tonight that I was still in caretaker mode, I was still trying to make things better, I was still trying to comfort.  With So Much that has happened the last couple of months I realized I still haven't let go.  We were so busy packing things up and getting ready for the estate sale, we didn't have much time to grieve, to say goodbye to the belongings, the memories.....So Much.  We worked and worked to get it done.  Where most people have the privilege of taking their time going through their parents belongings, we had to work fast and furious to get it done and had to keep the emotions and grieving in check....So Much.

A friend of mine ask me what I was going to do with myself when it was all finished, when things were finally taken care of.  I thought....maybe get back to normal whatever that is....back to living my life....but it seems that's still a long time off, but it's getting closer.  Sadly there are a few more bumps in the road.  Even with So Much to deal with.....some still want to cause more frustration.....out of greed and guilt with no knowledge, concern or care as to what a struggle the last few years have been.  They always seem to show up at the doorstep when they think there is something in it for them but never.....Never...lent a helping hand, a kind word or monetary support.....but I guess that's another story in itself and I'm digressing.

Back to my kitten.  A beautiful life, whether animal or human can change in an instant.  So many are reaching out for that love, that feeling of self worth, that knowing that someone cares.  For some of us it may seem easy to reach out and be the caretaker, the one that says.....it's ok....relax....it's ok.  For others it may seem easy to turn away, let someone else take the responsibility.  I guess we all have our place in this world, our gifts and demons to deal with.  So many times we build up stone walls around our heart to deal with the pain so we can be the caretaker.  Other times we build up stone walls so we don't have to take the responsibility, to feel the guilt.

One of my college friends that I recently reconnected with on facebook said your pictures are great but you don't smile much.......Hmmmmmm......and he's right.

So I'm looking to my passion, my music, my photography and my writing here to help me get through the pain, the bumps ahead and by the Grace and Strength of God I know there will be light at the end of this tunnel and my Journey will see brighter days ahead.