Insecurities

I'm probably the most insecure person I know. Yep...it's true. But then again, unless I really take the time to look deeper at those around me, I'll never know.

I've always been shy, never wanting to make a scene or say something stupid. In a crowded room you will find me in the corner, not speaking unless spoken to. I catch myself not going to certain events simply because they take me out of my comfort zone. Yep....insecure....

When I am performing or talking before a crowded room, I'm just the opposite. I'm at ease and comfortable in my surroundings. I usually don't have the nervous jitters that some do when being put in the spotlight. When I'm put in a situation of needing to be in control, I'm in control. My business side takes over and I make sure things get done. But when I'm not in the spotlight, I'm as shy as they come.

While trying to break out of this mold, so to speak, I've done a lot of soul searching as to why. Looking back to my early years in Junior High and High School, I think those insecurities began to manifest. I was not one of the In Crowd so to speak, just a bit of a nerd and class clown. Talking with people who knew me back then, they say I was always smiling and energetic. Outwardly, maybe so, but inwardly it seemed like everything I said was not heard or not taken seriously. So my insecurity began.

College life seemed to be easier. It was a new beginning where we all had a fresh start with people, places and experiences and where my confidence grew. Returning home after graduation, I found a comfortable place because of my music, always performing in one way or another, always working toward a goal.

Moving on to the bigger city and becoming part of a Christian Rock Group also added to my confidence. But things were changing at home, with family. Every time I returned home, those dreaded feelings took hold again. It became easier to sit quietly and let others do the talking. Family problems seemed to take precedents over my circumstances, my cares and concerns. I found myself living more and more inside my head instead of living in the real world.

Moving to an even bigger city brought more experiences and yep....more insecurities. Working for large music companies was extremely rewarding as well as challenging. Being around artist and record and publishing executives was a chance of a lifetime, but at times brought back those feelings of doubt. Those old High School memories came back, not wanting to make a scene, not wanting to say something stupid.

There have been times since then that I've had to take control and make the decisions concerning the outcome of a lot of people. When life throws it's punches, especially where family is concerned, we seem to find our true character. But as my business side kicked in, more walls came up around my inner self.

So where am I today....still insecure and shy. I've been lucky enough to find outlets in my music as well as my writing. I've taken the courageous steps to start a new company, to start living my dreams, but I still find myself sitting quietly in a room full of people or not taking in certain events.......simply because of those insecurities.

Maybe I'll break out of that mold someday. Then again, maybe I've been in this way too long. The moral of this story.....learning that no matter how we outwardly appear to the people around us, we never know what lies beneath the skin until we take a deeper look, or take the time to ask. To make the effort to Really See........


and the Journey Continues.......