Looking Outside The Box

We humans are all a unique and special people and the world turns with our thoughts, memories, experiences, circumstances and surroundings.  We judge the world and everyone in it by who and what we are.  The world is Our Little Box.  Because of that we forget that We....I....Me are not the the world, just a part of it.

I've always been a people watcher but lately my observations have become more refined with a deeper concern for each individual.  When we take time to look Outside Our Box and see others with their own story, their own desires, problems, situations, backgrounds, religions, emotions and attitudes, we see how unique we are but how we are just a small part of this world.

We see the man begging on the street, the lady with her load of groceries catching the bus, the guy in the fancy SUV that sped past us and cut us off, the child in Africa struggling for a place to live, a meal to eat, the person who because of his religion, blows himself up for His God, the Asian women walking the streets with thousands of others, living in her world, with her thoughts, problems, desires and situations.  The list goes on and on.  When we take a deeper look, we realize the world doesn't revolve around us, it revolves around mankind.  When we look out of our Box, we see a world of diversity, of joy, of tragedy, of pain, of dying, and yes, living.  When I hear of a 15 year old getting shot by another 15 year old, my heart goes out to the tragedy of the situation, two lives lost.  When we see bombs going off in the war against terrorist we see soldiers, civilians, innocent lives, individuals loosing a life that is special, unique and is gone forever.

I watch a lot of SciFi and yep have always been one for blood and guts movies but lately as I see so many getting killed left and right without a thought of who that person was and the life lived, I see how cold we have become, how we've forgotten the importance of life, of humanity, of each individual soul for the sake of entertainment.  I see the lifestyles of so many that give the examples that life is all about the money, the sex, the gangs, the drugs....each raised in a different lifestyle, a different past, a different set of circumstances.

Sometimes if we look too hard out of our box, we can see the world as a hopeless and tragic place...but.......sometimes when we take that look, we can be reminded that this world is not just about us...it's about each one of us.  Sometimes it takes that to realize that our problems, our desires, our pain, our tragedies are not as bad, as tragic as we thought, that we've been blessed, that we have a purpose, a journey, a calling far beyond our own little box.

So we can keep ourselves locked in our Box.......or.....open the door to the world around us, take a deeper look, make a bigger impact, touch a soul, one person at a time. We can find the joy in giving instead of taking, in loving instead of of hating, being sympathetic instead of judging and learning to live instead of just existing, locking ourselves up, blind to the world. We can show our compassionate side, our empathy our understanding and our Humanness......

Hmmmmmmmmm........what a concept...........

And The Journey Continues......

Moving On

For the first time in a long time I woke up this morning feeling like it was time to Move On.  After another week of craziness, trying to put out more fires and making things right...at least what I felt was right..., I finally feel comfortable with letting go and letting things happen the way they will.

It's time to let go of the anger, the frustration, the pride, the sadness and no longer let the situations, the greed of others, the wrongs of the world and the past few years dictate my life.  What ever happens with the situations I've been putting so much worry, work, time and effort into will work out one way or another.  God knows the situations and God is in control so again I have to stop and put my trust in Him........

So today it's time to Smile....time to Live....time to Find the Joy again. 

It's interesting how I've talked about this in so many blogs but I can say today it's finally not just in my head but in my Heart and Spirit as well.  It's time to follow my heart and not let the demands of others dictate who I am.

So today is a New Day.....today is My Time.....today I Choose Joy.......

And the Journey Continues.......

My Private Thoughts

PREFACE:

I questioned whether to make this blog public or keep it private.  I know I've gone on and on about the struggles of the last few years and I know you're ready to hear something good and joyful to come out of my blogs. I promise brighter days and blogs ahead but this is one last attempt to share, to write in words, to search for answers. By no means do I mean to complain or to boast, to talk about me, to show what I've done.  I wrote this for me, to find some answers, to search for some of the joy and peace that I've been looking for.



MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS:

Grieving.....Showing Emotion.....Letting Go.....Shedding Badly Needed Tears.......

My counselor asked me why can't I grieve, why can't I just let go, why can't I cry, why can't I express the pain in my heart.  My answer....I don't know......

I've built my walls of stone so hard and so deep around my heart that I'm not sure they will ever be broken down.  I've had to put on the face of strength, joy, control, responsibility, patience and endurance for so long....maybe too long.

I've always been the caretaker in my family, even from my childhood, always trying to make things better, always trying to get everyone on the same page, always the one to make the world think we were a normal family, not knowing that we had our problems and dysfunctional moments just like every other family, maybe a little worse at times, maybe a lot worse at times......

From the time my parents went into the nursing home the struggles increased.  Mama and Daddy could not care for themselves, could not care for each other, could not live at home.  They cried, they argued, they complained, they fought all the way that they could make it on their own at home but they couldn't.  Their minds saw the young man and women that they felt but their bodies had long grown old and weak.  So the battle was a daily struggle, constantly talking, arguing, reminding them, telling the same thing over and over and feeling their pain and heartbreak all the way deep in my soul.  But I had to be the strong one, the adult in the family, the one with all the answers.

Daddy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed quickly, painfully.  I was there for Him and for Mama trying to keep the strength, ease the pain and give as much love and help as I could.
I was there to take care of the funeral.  Some thought I was a bit cold but I knew the task at hand and with my list of things to do and notes and phone numbers, I closed off my heart and emotions even more.

Mama was diagnosed with liver cancer the same week so again the emotions were cut off, the caretaker was in full mode and again I had no time to grieve, to take it in, just do what was needed.  As Mama's dementia got increasingly worse it was again a constant battle against the confusion, the forgetting, the wanting to go home, the anger, the cancer.  Again I had to sit silently and say, I know you want to go home, to repeat the same things over and over, to remind of the cancer and confusion and keep the emotions in check and the face of control, of leadership, of support, of love and understanding, all the while building up more stones around my heart.  As Mama's time grew short I was there to hold her hand, give her love, ease her confusion, feel her pain, cope with the dementia, the cancer, the passing, the funeral.

The struggle didn't stop there as we had to go through the memories of a lifetime, box them up and store them away and prepare the house, my sister and I, struggling on our own through so much.  I still had to do what had to be done, had to be strong, all the time building up more walls.  Every time I felt like things were getting better there would always be another hill to climb.  Every time I felt a little joy and relief, more hills had to be climbed and thus more stones were built.

I know one day, the work will be accomplished and that part of my life will end.  Maybe I'll be able to let go, grieve, have a good cry and maybe find the joy again....just maybe.  One day maybe the stones will slowly tumble down, the warmth will finally fill my heart, the love and joy will be able to be shared freely but for the time being and again answering my counselor.......

I Don't Know..........

Today

Today......
What shall I do....

Should I suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or should I lift my head high.....
Should I curse those that betray me or learn to forgive and forget.....
Should I let my woes lead me into depression or rise up and shout I will not be defeated.....
Should I let my mind run amok, to and fro, confused and frustrated or take it one step, one day at a time....
Should I squander in the worry over the trivial, the critical, the heartbreak or Let Go and Let God....

Will I lift my head up high....
Will I forgive and forget....
Will I not be defeated....
Will I take it one moment at a time....
Will I trust in God's control.....

What I do today determines my character, my being, my strength, and will take the path that leads to two different roads.....
What I do today will show I have conquered or given in....
What I do today will show the depth of my heart or the shallowness of my spirit....
What I do today will impact this Journey of Life for me as well as those around me.....

The Choices that confront us everyday....
What shall we do......
What will I do.....

What's Fair Is Fair

Over the course of my life I've always tried to be a fair person and treat everyone with respect and hoped that fairness and respect would be returned.  Through the past few weeks I'm finding what I hoped for and reality can be two different things.

I've remembered the old saying, "Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch" and boy is that the truth.
Every time I begin to feel comfortable about the situation of the fairness of the task at hand I hit a major speed bump in the road.  Every time I get happy about the circumstances I tell myself......wait and see....things may change and lately they have been.

So what do you do when you try to make all the right decisions not really knowing the right answers but you do your best. What do you do when it's a constant battle and you think....finally....finally that hard work, that struggle, that battle will end with a happy ending....and ending that is fair........Hmmmmmm.

I know God works in mysterious ways and I know that sometimes those bumps in the road are there to remind us that we don't and can't do it all....that we have to rely on Him.  I know I forget that at times especially when I'm thinking Fair Should Be Fair.  That's the times I have to remind myself once again that God has all the answers, God knows the outcome, God knows the struggles and God knows what the future holds.
So I catch myself saying one more time....Let it go and Let God take control....put it in His Hands and trust that He will do what is Fair.  Yep we're human and that's a hard thing to do especially when we feel like we've been wronged and want some justice, want what is fair.

So God, here I am again, help me to let go and not try to work it out on my own but know that YOU will make it Fair.....Your Way......

Blessings

Sometimes we find our blessings in unexpected places......

We Sing Holy

For those who asked....

The song from my Mom's Memorial Service

"We Sing Holy"
(for Mama)

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound to The Old Rugged Cross

The words we sing that bring us to the loving heart of God

The hymns of old the songs of praise we lift in one accord

And with each song we know they hold the promise of God's word

When the road seems dark and weary and the pain's too much to bare

When the heart is way too heavy from the load that we must share

We know that God has promised us His comfort from above

We know He fills us with His strength and surrounds us with His love

So we sing Holy...Holy...Holy are You Lord

We sing in one accord

Yes we sing Holy and we lift our songs of praise

And You surround us with Your love and You fill us with Your grace

You give us strength to make it through the day when we feel there's nothing left

You give us hope for tomorrow and Your sweet peace and rest

You give us light to shine along the way the path that we must trod

And give us love to feel the emptiness and the loneliness inside

So we sing Holy...Holy...Holy are You Lord

We sing in one accord

Yes we sing Holy and we lift our songs of praise

And You surround us with Your love and You fill us with Your Grace

So we'll sing Amazing Grace and The Old Rugged Cross

We'll sing the songs that bring us to the loving heart of God

And as Mama taught us long ago in the hymns She loved to sing

The truth of God still holds the key to Life and Eternity

So we sing Holy, We sing Holy
Holy Lord
We sing Holy, Holy are You Lord
Holy are You Lord

copyright 2010 WynnSong Publishing



excuse the performance quality.....
two months of sinus congestion and a couple of missed chords
and the somberness of the occasion