Be

I've heard that when you give you receive unexpectedly, when you grasp a hand in need you are grasped back.  The act of giving.......gives us joy, purpose and fulfillment, when we least expect it. 

The last week has been a week where I've had several friends in need of hope, of comfort, of assurance and of thoughts and prayers extended their way. I've not always known the words to say and at times was not given the chance to say a word....... but I was there. 

Sometimes all we have to do is just Be......Be the One Who Listens, Cares, Grasp the Hand, Extends a Hug and Lifts up in Prayer.  Sometimes when we are struggling in our own lives and can't find the joy we're looking for, we can be the Hope, the Joy, the Friend that others are looking for.

My prayers are with you my friends, I may know or may not know what you're going through right now but I am praising God for the Peace of Mind, the Hope of Healing, the Renewing of Your Spirits and the Ability to Snatch the Joy that you have been unable to find lately.

Warmest of Love

Giving Up

Some days we seem to end the day at the end of our ropes.  Some days we seem to start the day feeling worn out and ready to just quit....ready to give up.  Some days we feel like there is just too much responsibility, to many demands, to many hands wanting, taking, expecting, grabbing everything they can.  Some days we just wonder what happened to my world, to my peace and tranquility, to my joy, to ME. 

So, we get up and relax with a good cup of coffee and ponder the feelings, the demands, the way the road of life has turned.  We look at where we are and where we want to be and what it will take to find that warm meadow, that slow running stream, that cool breeze with a fragrance of wild daisies, that place of peace and tranquility, that place of joy.

The feeling of giving up doesn't come too often but when it does it can devastate every part of who we are.  We feel the physical pain, the emotional pain, the spiritual pain, the pain that seems to overwhelm us, smother us, defeat us.  Most of the time we know that tomorrow will be a better day but sometimes tomorrow seems to be even worse.  So... we sit with a good cup of coffee, we pray, we ponder and we realize this too will pass..... silently wondering if it really will.  We try to focus on what's good in our lives and then wonder where all the good went.  We start to feel that enough is enough.  We look at the world around us and see so much devastation, so much loss of life, so much pain and suffering and we are supposed to think that we have it made, that we are the lucky ones but the pain we feel is just as real as those who have suffered devastating acts of nature, devastating acts of war and violence.

The Journey of Life is filled with the good and the bad, the love and the hate, the giving and the selfish, the joy and the pain.  It's a process of realizing and accepting that all of this is part of that journey.  We try to keep focused on the joy, we try to let go of the pain, we try to find our a place of peace with ourselves and our God.  When the days come that we really just want to give up, we sit with a good cup of coffee, we try to find our place of peace, we look for our Strength in God to carry us through, we look for that inner strength that makes us who we are, that makes up our character.  We take each day, each moment, each step and realize that even though it seems we're going through this alone.....we're not.  We learn to take control of our lives and not let those around us dictate who are or what we are.  We choose one more day.....

Not To Give Up.........

A Time Of Grieving

It was time to take another trip back home to Texas this last month and for some reason this one seemed harder than usual from the start.  As I drove from Nashville to To Oklahoma City, I felt a feeling of Defeat like I've never felt before.  The feeling just kept digging to the very depths of my soul and pulling me down to a place that felt so hurt, so abandoned, so defeated.....So Defeated.

The next day of driving from Oklahoma City to Perryton the feeling began to change and become clearer and more defined.  It finally hit me that the Grieving Process had begun.  This was the first trip I've made where the concern and worry and list of things to do weren't there.  This was just a time to go through belongings, box them up and decide what to do with what.  As I continued my drive home I played the music I had put on my IPod for my Mom's service and as I listened, the feelings of Grief were finally starting to express themselves. I learned shortly that this was only the prelude to an emotional week ahead.

The time came to start taking clothes to the crisis center.....My Mom and Dads Clothes.  The hardest time for my sister and I were when we had to sort through the clothes from the Nursing Home, the clothes she had just worn weeks before.  The tears came and the emotions and memories filled the house.  The decisions on what to save, what to keep, what to throw away became harder and harder and our spirits and bodies wore out with all the emotion.  Finding books scatter all through the house we realized just how much Mama liked to read.  Pictures and keepsakes boxed up from years ago, army uniforms, wedding dresses, grade school pictures and so much more hidden in boxes, in closets just waiting for the day their memories would come alive again.  Then some of the furniture was taken and sold, the bed they slept in, the desk they worked behind for years......now gone.

My Sister left a day early which gave me a chance to stay in the house one more night alone before I headed back to Nashville.  The memories began to wash over me like giant waves in the ocean, suffocating me with their emotion.  So many years spent in that house....that house that was a home....that became a house...and became a home once again........The people that lived, laughed, loved, argued, grew up and grew old all in that one house....now left to the memories we shared there. 

I know the there are still trips needed to be taken there and much more work to be done but I know the hardest part will be when all the work is done and the House....that was Home...will no longer be ours.  We'll have to rely on our Memories, Precious Items, and the Love In Our Hearts from the Lifetime we shared there.  I know the Grieving process has just begun in some ways and will show itself in the days and weeks ahead but someday that grief will be turned into Special Memories of Love and Laughter that turned that House into Our Home.

And the Journey Continues..........

Human Nature

"To Be or Not To Be, That is the Question"

To Be the Best of Ourselves and Not the Worst of Ourselves.....

The complexity of Human Nature was never so obvious to me then it was this last month when family came from all over to Celebrate My Mom's Life.  The unbelievable kindness of some, the self-centeredness of others, the looking at the best in ones life and the looking at the worst from others.  Human Nature seems to be like the glass that is either half empty or half full.  I suppose the way we were raised, the trials, the achievements, the walls we've placed around our hearts and well as the love that we've allowed to flourish there all seem to contribute to the Nature of our own Humanity.  The Nature of who we were, who we are and who we will continue to become.

One of the last things my Mom said to me was ....."I hope you can all get along", referring to our family.  Interestingly enough, it's the family that seem to have the worse problems of getting along.  Through the course of the last month, as much as we reached out to part of our family, we were confronted with a closed door.  We tried and will continue trying but the time comes when we have to put the situation in God's hands because when we've done the Possible, He can do the Impossible.

With each family there are disagreements, disappointments, acts of anger and acts of injustice.  It's how we deal with those circumstances that brings out the Best or Worst of our Humanity.  I was amazed at so many different family members who had someone or several someones in their family that they no longer talked to, no longer had anything to do with, no longer seemed to consider part of the family.  Talking with them,  I found out sometimes it was just one act that caused that conflict.  With others it was a whole slew of acts that caused the division in their family.  Some told me of stories that they wanted so desperately to tell other family members so they would have a better understanding, a clearer picture at what was going on at the time. Because of the Hurt, the Anger, the Misunderstanding, it seems that so many have not been able to get past the point of letting the Best of Human Nature prevail and not letting the Worst consume them.

I've always heard that forgiveness is not for the sake of the other person as much as it is for us.  By forgiving, we are set free of that burden and are able to live our lives with a lighter load than before.  We are no longer weighed down by the conflict, the sadness, the separation, the loss but are set free to live life with more love, laughter and meaning.  I know that these words sound good but sometimes we feel the hurt is too deep, too painful and there is just no way we can let go of it.....

My Prayer is that we all can come to that place of Letting Go.......

The last few weeks have been a learning process for me.  I too held on to the resentment at times, was upset by the insensitivity of others words or actions, was totally blown away by decisions of loved ones that I couldn't imagine even attempting to understand.  The emotional ups and downs caused by other family members at a time when we were suffering such a huge loss were inconceivable.....but....I too had to Let It Go and Let God take the hurt, anger and disappointments away and live to the Best of My Human Nature and not the Worst of It.....

Life continues as long as there is breath for each of us and there will always be disappointments and conflicts but by God's Grace maybe each of us will take another look inside and learn to realize there is so much more to living this life than we are allowing ourselves because of the acts of others.......

LET GO......

BE THE BEST AND NOT THE WORST.....

Live, Love and Laugh Often and Never Forget To Dance.........

An Unexpected Adventure

Heading home to Texas at the end of January was a trip where my heart was heavy with the knowledge of how the trip would unfold.  I planned on going the same route I had gone so many times but this time I brought my Garmin GPS device just to break up the monotony.

Leaving Oklahoma City toward Perryton I noticed my Garmin was telling me to turn right in 31 miles....

WHAT......are you CRAZY

I've gone this way so many times I knew it had to be a mistake.  As I got closer to the turn off I thought Hmmmmm....turned off...then stopped...then turned around...then checked the GPS.  It was telling me I was going to get home about an hour sooner than I usually do......

Sooooooo...I thought.......Why Not.....

I was now putting my complete trust in a computer that was taking me to places I had never been and had no idea where I was going.  I was trusting this Australian Voice who had probably never been on the back roads of Oklahoma to get me home safely.  So the adventure began.

Much to my surprise I caught myself blown away by some of the beauty of the country side.  There were dried up creek beds filled with clusters of aged and tangled trees just waiting to have their picture taken.  There were small towns with one block main streets lined with store fronts looking the way they have for years and years.  There were old silent cemeteries scattered a cross the hill sides much like the small Ochiltree Cemetery where I would call my resting place one day.  The photographer in me was going crazy wanting to stop every half a mile or so and catch some glimpses of pure beauty with my camera but I knew the urgency to get home would not allow it this time. What amazed me most was that I was Smiling.....Smiling A Lot.

Again having no idea where I was but I was having an adventure that for the first time in a long time had me excited.

As I continued my trip I came across signs for Woodward Oklahoma. Finally I recognized a town I knew.  I hadn't been through Woodward in years....and I mean YEARS but it brought back some interesting memories.  I remembered one trip when I was maybe 5 or 6.  My Mom took my aunt to the doctor there.  She loaded up all of us kids and my aunts kids and headed out.  On the way back home my Mom and aunt were chatting away and before anyone knew it a police car was behind us with flashing lights.  Needless to say that was the first time I saw my Mom get a speeding ticket.  I also passed a large electrical plant or something....not sure what it is...but when we were about the same age we were headed toward Woodward one night on our way to a vacation somewhere.  The plant was all lit up at night and almost glowed.  Asking my parents what it was, they said that's where the Tooth Fairies Lived......yep...they did. Continuing through some of the small towns I remembered some of the names. I went to work with my Dad sometimes as he checked his wells and yep the old country roads out of those towns were where I first learned how to drive.

When I got to Perryton, I realized I was there an hour earlier and used a quarter of a tank of gas less than usual and that was good.....

But Most Importantly.....

I had an Adventure that I never expected.  My Australian Mate definitely knew where he was going and took me on a trip I won't forget for a long....long....time.

The Passing

The passing of time, the passing of youth to adulthood, the passing of a loved one all tend to bring out so many mixed emotions and memories.

My childhood growing up in a small town in Texas was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything.  It was so easy for my parents to show their love for us kids.  With the little things of everyday life to the big things like family vacations and holidays.  Thanksgiving was tables stretched all the way across the kitchen, so much turkey and food it could feed an army and family that filled the house with love and laughter.  Christmas was always special with the smell of a real tree, presents that flooded out from under the lights and tensile and candy....every kind of homemade candy all over the house....fudge, bonbons, peanut clusters...you name it, my Mom baked it. It was a good time, a good childhood, one that so many kids could only dream about.

When we got older and into junior high and high school, things changed as they do in most houses when the parents grow older and the kids grow more independent and we were no exception.  It was harder for us all to show the love we had, even though the love was still there, we all became more distant.  As the years went by and we went our separate ways our lives got more complicated and it seemed that it was harder and harder to express that love.  We knew it was there it was just hidden by so much clutter.

My Dad was a good man, one that would give the shirt off his back if you needed it.  My Mom was a strong and yep stubborn woman at times.  She got her strength from her Mom, a Matriarch of the family, one who being paralyzed on one side from a stroke raised four daughters on her own till my wonderful granddad came into her life.  She could do anything and was always busy doing something, I know....she had me just as busy.  That strength, stubbornness and love was passed to her girls and yep to us kids as well. 

When my Dad passed in September of 2009, my Mom was alone for the first time in 59 years.  As her mind became more confused and her body became weaker and weaker, her strength kept her going and going.  She was a lady that always spoke her mind whether it was good or bad.  She could be blunt  at times but she could be very sweet and loving as well especially when it came to the staff at the nursing home.  She developed a special relationship with each of them and they knew with her, she would be telling them the way it was one moment then telling them how sweet and pretty they were the next.  She was one of a kind and anyone who had the chance to know her knows exactly what I'm talking about.

The time my parents spent in the nursing home was a hard time for them but it was also a time when we had the chance to reconnect, re communicate and reestablish the special relationship we had as kids.  We had some special moments with my Dad before he passed and with my Mom as well.  Her strength kept her fighting almost a year longer than the doctors expected but God knew what he was doing.  Through those months my sister and I had some really Special Moments with my Mom and we were able to express our love and appreciation in a way we haven't been able to for years and it was good.........

So with the passing of my Mom in February, it starts a new era in our lives, one without our parents, their love, their support and guidance but then again....that love never leaves us as it was embedded in our hearts for years.  The easy going side of my Dad and the strength and yep stubbornness of my Mom will always be a part of who we are.

And Our Journey of Life Continues.........

This Past Month

This past month has been rough indeed but it has also been an eye opener in many ways.  Amongst the ups and downs and sadness there were some life lessons learned as well as human nature lessons exposed.  There was also one unexpected and joy filled adventure.

My next few blogs will give me the chance to share some of each of these.  It's been a month and it's time to let out some of those feelings, experiences and adventures..........

First Up..........The Passing