PREFACE:
I questioned whether to make this blog public or keep it private. I know I've gone on and on about the struggles of the last few years and I know you're ready to hear something good and joyful to come out of my blogs. I promise brighter days and blogs ahead but this is one last attempt to share, to write in words, to search for answers. By no means do I mean to complain or to boast, to talk about me, to show what I've done. I wrote this for me, to find some answers, to search for some of the joy and peace that I've been looking for.
MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS:
Grieving.....Showing Emotion.....Letting Go.....Shedding Badly Needed Tears.......
My counselor asked me why can't I grieve, why can't I just let go, why can't I cry, why can't I express the pain in my heart. My answer....I don't know......
I've built my walls of stone so hard and so deep around my heart that I'm not sure they will ever be broken down. I've had to put on the face of strength, joy, control, responsibility, patience and endurance for so long....maybe too long.
I've always been the caretaker in my family, even from my childhood, always trying to make things better, always trying to get everyone on the same page, always the one to make the world think we were a normal family, not knowing that we had our problems and dysfunctional moments just like every other family, maybe a little worse at times, maybe a lot worse at times......
From the time my parents went into the nursing home the struggles increased. Mama and Daddy could not care for themselves, could not care for each other, could not live at home. They cried, they argued, they complained, they fought all the way that they could make it on their own at home but they couldn't. Their minds saw the young man and women that they felt but their bodies had long grown old and weak. So the battle was a daily struggle, constantly talking, arguing, reminding them, telling the same thing over and over and feeling their pain and heartbreak all the way deep in my soul. But I had to be the strong one, the adult in the family, the one with all the answers.
Daddy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed quickly, painfully. I was there for Him and for Mama trying to keep the strength, ease the pain and give as much love and help as I could.
I was there to take care of the funeral. Some thought I was a bit cold but I knew the task at hand and with my list of things to do and notes and phone numbers, I closed off my heart and emotions even more.
Mama was diagnosed with liver cancer the same week so again the emotions were cut off, the caretaker was in full mode and again I had no time to grieve, to take it in, just do what was needed. As Mama's dementia got increasingly worse it was again a constant battle against the confusion, the forgetting, the wanting to go home, the anger, the cancer. Again I had to sit silently and say, I know you want to go home, to repeat the same things over and over, to remind of the cancer and confusion and keep the emotions in check and the face of control, of leadership, of support, of love and understanding, all the while building up more stones around my heart. As Mama's time grew short I was there to hold her hand, give her love, ease her confusion, feel her pain, cope with the dementia, the cancer, the passing, the funeral.
The struggle didn't stop there as we had to go through the memories of a lifetime, box them up and store them away and prepare the house, my sister and I, struggling on our own through so much. I still had to do what had to be done, had to be strong, all the time building up more walls. Every time I felt like things were getting better there would always be another hill to climb. Every time I felt a little joy and relief, more hills had to be climbed and thus more stones were built.
I know one day, the work will be accomplished and that part of my life will end. Maybe I'll be able to let go, grieve, have a good cry and maybe find the joy again....just maybe. One day maybe the stones will slowly tumble down, the warmth will finally fill my heart, the love and joy will be able to be shared freely but for the time being and again answering my counselor.......
I Don't Know..........
