Turning 59

Turning another milestone,
Completing my 59th year on this journey of life
Starting my 60th year with all the challenges and adventures ahead

Where I've been and what I've endured
The joys, the loves, the trials, the tragedies
Each breath taken, molding me into what I've become

Am I where I thought I would be at this time
I have no clue

So many years go by when we rely on our youth
That energy and drive that comes so much easier when we're young
So many accomplishments

But as age sets in, we seem to slow down, settle in, become comfortable

My 59th year was one of a new purpose
A new chapter in my life
One dreamed of, but unsure of the reality of it happening
Or how it would turn out
But it did

I look back on the last few years with a sense of pride
How I've overcome, how I've endured
And as a butterfly coming out of a cocoon
I've found new wings to fly higher and farther than before

I continue to learn and relearn the lessons of life
And learn again
My life isn't perfect
But it is my life

As my journey continues in this 60th year
I may be a little older, a little worn down
Maybe a little wiser, maybe not
But stronger and more seasoned

The face I see in the mirror looks a little odd
But I'm still here to look at that reflection
And know
I am a survivor


and the Journey Continues.......

A Change Of Plans

When a family goes through trials, it changes things. The feelings, the memories, all seem to take their toll on us. As time tries to cover us with a soothing balm, we still have moments where the wounds feel raw and fresh. So I write to find a way of letting go, of accepting what was, and looking toward the future with new hope and anticipation of the plans that were and will be again.

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The last few years I spent with you
Were nothing like I planned, we planned
The golden years were supposed to be kind
The highlight of a life filled with so much wonder
But it didn't happen that way

They seemed more like the angry years
Filled with heartache and pain
Dependencies and co-dependencies
Used to cover up the unhappiness
To ease the physical ailments

We were supposed to get along
You wanted to be at home and be content
To be as strong and young as you thought you were
Not expecting so much physical problems
Spending your last years in a room, that wasn't home

The phone calls, the visits, all so strained
Not understanding the why's and why not's
Not seeing things the way they were
But feeling betwayed, held captive
Dreams and hopes stolen

Trying to keep life going
Trying to smooth the pain
Dealing with so much family
So selfish and destructive at times
Nothing like I planned, we planned

The last few years took it's toll
On you, on us, on so many
A family that lost it's way
Forgetting what was supposed to be
Only seeing what was not

The pain stills shows it's face at times
Even though you're gone
The actions and reactions of those years
Changed us all, took away so much
Only showing glimpses of joy

We were supposed to enjoy those years
A family, full of hope, and happiness, and love
But that life never revealed itself
What should have been, was stolen away
Leaving only regrets and scars

As hard as it was, I have to remember
It was and is in God's hands
I have to let go of the regrets and scars
And even though it was nothing like I planned, we planned
I have to rely on my faith

The sadness still creeps in at times
The why's and why not's
Time to let go
To take what was learned
And live again, the way it was planned

PPD

When a big event happens to us
When we've spent so much time and energy getting there
When we come to the conclusion
That finished product, or final performance
When we reach that mountain top
It's so easy to slide deep into the valley

PPD, postpartum depression
And event that seems to hit so many
After so many accomplishments
Mountain tops and life changing events
Some get caught up in the battle and loose
Others regain their composure and move forward

Through out the years, I've hit this place
Finishing a major musical work
A final performance
A task completed
So much time and energy
Dropped, stopped, let go

We all have moments like this
A mother with the birth of a child
A soldier coming back from war
An artist finishing a song, a painting, a dance
So much for so long
Coming to a complete stop

We know there is still more to come
That the task at hand has changed
Been redefined
But sometimes the sudden stop
Spirals us down
To a deep, dark place in our mind

So I offer two songs
"The Motions" and "Blink
To remind us that each day is special
That we must move on to the next level
That the completion of one is the beginning of another
That we can start afresh, climbing up from the valley to a new peak on our journey...

and the Journey Continues.....

Perspective

Life, full of so many amazing moments, so many tragic as well
Each day we are confronted with all that life brings on this journey
So many unexpected joys, so many heart changing events

It's easy for us to get caught up in the conflict, the worry, the pain, and yes the anger.
Sometimes the dark side of life has a way of hiding the joy along the way
We see sickness, death and tragedy
We ask why, why us, why them, why now

But everyday we see the miracle of life
The workmanship of God all around us
The awe inspiring wonder and beauty
Things that put life in Perspective

Perspective, balance, understanding

It's hard to understand the deep pain we feel with loss
The anger we feel when people disappoint us
When leaders seem to be moving in the wrong direction
When we don't understand why the world is in such turmoil

That's when we have to step back
And put life in Perspective

If we look at the world with all it's darkness
And miss out on the joy along the way
We've forgotten one Basic of life

God is in control

He knows all, He knew all from the beginning of time
He knew the conflict and the joy that we all go through
He knew exactly what the past, present and future would hold

How Great Is Our God

When we come to the realization that everything is working out according to His plan
The way He knew it would and will be
We find our Perspective

It's easy to get caught up in the things of this world
To be sucked under by the currents of defeat
It's easy to loose sight of our Faith and our God
But when we realize that it's all according to His plan
We find our peace and comfort, our hope and understanding

I've been to the lowest of valleys
I've been to the mountain tops
I've felt the deepest of sadness and pain
I found the glimpses of joy
I've lost track of my Perspective so many times
But my faith brings me back to Him

"Have faith in God when your pathway is lonely
He sees and knows all the way you have trod
Never along are the least of His children
Have faith in God, have faith in God

Have faith in God when your prayers are unanswered
Your earnest plea He will never forget
Wait on the Lord, trust His word and be patient
Have faith in God, He'll answer yet

Have faith in God in your pain and your sorrow
His heart is touched with your grief and despair
Cast all your cares and your burdens upon Him
And leave them there, oh leave them there"
                                      B. B. McKinney


and the Journey Continues........

Angry People

As a preface to this, the Hate of the world seemed to jump out at me this week in so many ways. I remember a friend of my sister that constantly watched a particular Christian station where they constantly criticized with hate and anger. They showed no love, no life, just gloom and doom. God is the light of the world, not the darkness. When we allow our hearts to be filled with that darkness, we loose sight of His light and love.
_______________________


We are an Angry People
We are a turbulent lot
We spew hatred and lies
We gossip and deceive

We hide behind our religion
We say it's our right
We use the name of God
We hate, we scream, we kill

We once had a heart filled with love
We wanted to let peace have it's chance
We wanted our children to have a better world
We wanted the best that life had to offer

But, we listened to the voices around us
We believed every word they said
We didn't care if it was lies
We didn't care if it really didn't make sense

We shut out the voice of God
We closed our hearts to His love
We became an Angry People
We grew cold, and callous, and cruel

We turned our religion and politics into a weapon
We as Christians, as Muslims, as atheist
We as Democrats, and Republicans, and Independents
We criticize, we judge, we hate

When will we listen to His voice
When will we shut out the soothsayers
When will we show compassion
When will we remember how to get along

When will we listen to our own words
When will we look deep inside our own hearts
When will we stop the Hate
When will we find a better way

"Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth thou hast for me
Open my heart, illumine me
Spirit Divine"

Living In Our Own Skin

Living in our own skin
Filled with our hopes and dreams, pain and conflicts
We live and breath, we laugh and cry
We struggle, we love, we find joy, or not
Living the life we've been given

Our skin may be white, or black, or somewhere in between
But only we know what it feels like
Others may give haughty replies of how we should feel
How we should live and think,
But only we know what lies within

Some let their arrogance dictate their actions
Living their lives, feeling the world revolves just for them
Whether their skin is white, or black, or somewhere in between
They put more self worth on what they think and do
Judgmental, close minded, selfish, critical

But who are we to judge, to criticize
Why do we focus on the splinter in our brothers eye
And ignore the beam blocking our own vision
Why do we try living in their skin
When we struggle to live in our own

Are we not all one family
Whether our skin is white, or black, or somewhere in between
Are we not all made of flesh, and bone, and blood
Are we not all a child of our maker
Are we not one person among millions

Life is what we make it
Whether it's a failure or success, it's our life
We are held accountable for what we do
How we deal with the struggles, the victories, the journey
We have to find a place where we are comfortable in our skin

But we should find a way to be comfortable with others as well
With humility, and love, and understanding, and acceptance
We should be open to their point of view
As well as understanding the whys and why nots of our own
Realizing each of us are unique and special, with purpose and worth

Whether we walk to our own beat
Or blend in with the crowd
We each have to find our own path
With humility, and love, and understanding, and acceptance
Whether our skin is white, or black, or somewhere in between

Been A Bit

It's been a bit since I've had time to write here. My journey has definitely been interesting lately.

The Business:
I've been challenged more than I could have imagined but it's been a great learning process and I've been up for the challenge. Knowing what I know now....would I have ever started it.......yep.....
Does the stress get to me at times.....yep.....but it's all part of the process. And even with so much involved, so many decisions and so much to learn....it's a good feeling.

The Emotions:
The last few weeks have had more than their share of sadness. One friend diagnosed with a life threatening cancer. One friend who's Dad suddenly passed. One friend's struggle with cancer, so courageously fought, slowly loosing the battle. So many other friends and acquaintances having their own loss and struggles. Sometimes the emotions can be a bit overwhelming.

The Songbook:
So close to a reality, a finished product, a feeling of accomplishment. Knowing it's the first of more to come but like a first love, it will hold a special place in my heart. Along with the joy, comes the sadness of some of those who were so close to me, not being here to celebrate. But knowing in some way, they are here reveling in the moment with me.

The Joy:
Finding joy has always been and still is a struggle for me. Too many times I look at this world through Glasses Darkly. Seeing the darkness, the anger, the frustration before I see the peace, the love and yep.....the joy. But as life progresses, my quest to open up to a happier place always continues, my search to enjoy the small moments as well as the big, is never ending. My attitude adjustment is ever evolving, turning those Glasses Darkly, into rose colored, filled with light and life.

My Life:
There is a new purpose there, a new challenge, a new place in the sun. There are still days where my body kicks me hard and my emotions are drained dry. But with each new day, each new task, I'm learning to find more balance in my life.

The Journey:
Life is a journey, filled with ups and downs, the good and the bad, the joy and the sadness. But that's what makes the journey unique. When we learn to embrace every aspect of life, then we can learn to live it to it's fullest. And when we add God into the factor, the journey is complete.