Tuesday, August 26, 2014

60 Years

It's hard to believe that this week I will have been on this earth for 60 years. From a babe who came out kicking and screaming at 6:40 in the evening to the man I am today.

Growing up carefree and innocent of the things in the world around us, it was a time of playing in the dirt, licking the sidewalk because I liked the taste, birthday parties with super cakes and lots of fun. Sure my parents were strict when we were young but we were good mannered kids that knew what it was to obey our parents.

As we grew older the relationship with my parents changed somewhat. At times my Mom's discipline became a bit more brash. It was for our good but it was also out of a need for my Mom to have kids on the honor role or best in class so she would have some bragging rights with the other Moms.

The older we got, my Dad was always the same, mild mannered, understanding and patient. But my Mom began growing deep callouses on her heart as she fought her own demons. The care free days were over and it seemed like there was no pleasing my Mom. This seemed to continue up until her death. She had good intentions but was only happy when she felt we had done something she could brag about. So needless to say, from Junior High on, life was challenging at the least.

They say so much of our characteristics are formed when we are young and for that, I'm grateful we had a great childhood. But the callouses on my Mom's heart brought about a lot of scars on ours.

I always excelled in music, playing cornet and being first chair in the high school band, to my gift of learning the piano by ear and playing and singing for the church. That went on to college, learning music compostition, then back to the church, writing music, teaching 100's of students and making a name for myself.

Moving to Amarillo, I again rose up as a musician playing keyboards for the Christian Rock Group, "Lazarus", writing praise choruses for West Amarillo Christian Church and spending some time as a solo artist. I also grew as the top specialist in Christian music while I was the music buyer and manager of High Plains Religious Bookstore. Those years, my confidence was good as I felt I had a real purpose in life.

Then on to Nashville where I became the small fish in the big pond so to speak. But good opportunities came as I was given the chance to work for some of the largest Christian Music Companies in Nashville. The experiences and opportunities were incredible as I was living my dream to some extent.

Then the cancer word hit and changed the way things were. The six months to a year I was given became twenty years. A lot of that time my closeness to God grew immensely. But as time passed, my struggles grew. I was being split into different directions, trying to find the joy I seemed to be missing.

Then the eight years of darkness hit as I became the caretaker for my parents and others. During this time my character grew in leaps in bounds but my joy was pushed way back into deep caverns. The struggles during this time were almost unbearable but I had no other choice but to step up to the challenge, even if it was more than I could bare at times.

With the passing of my parents came a time of release, more than grieving. Their loss was felt but relief seemed to be more accurate. The struggles through those years were so intense, that as my Mom found peace from all the pain in her passing, we felt like so many years of burdens had lifted. The love we had was always strained and hidden by all the conflict but it was still there.

So now I am where I am today, challenged with the new creation of WynnSong Publishing Company, Inc., bringing with it a feeling of accomplishment as well as having the reality that most people are so caught up in there lives, what you do or say that you feel has so much meaning, isn't felt by everyone. I guess I was a bit disillusioned to the fact that so many who seemed so interested in my company and songbook at first, had a lesser feeling than I did of it's importance. There were some who were there and continue to support but so many who haven't. I have learned through all of this that we all have our voice, our needs, our thoughts and dreams and we can't expect everyone to feel the same way we do. We discover that we are one of many and it seems hard to get our voice out there high above the noise. So I've learned to thank those who support and realize that a time comes when I have to fulfill my dreams for me.

So as I come to finishing my 60 years on earth, I'm still searching to regain the joy of my youth, the carefree feeling in my heart, the remembering that each day is a new adventure and that every day of life is a gift. I'm hoping that as I come to the last day of my 61st year, my life will be a little less stressful, a time where loose ends are tied up and maybe I will be more content and confident with who I am. And most of all, I will have found my joy in living life renewed.

and the Journey Continues.....

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